


Inglorious Bastards

by SirChiefDoodle



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: A different retelling, Based on that film, But still set in the same timeline, Dark Humor, Don't Like Don't Read, Goes without saying but Jon is OOC, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirChiefDoodle/pseuds/SirChiefDoodle
Summary: "You’re going to be dropped into Winterfell dressed as Northern civilians and once we’re in enemy territory as a bushwhacking guerrilla army, we’re going to be doing one thing and one thing only, killing Lannisters."Inglorious Bastards AU
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	Inglorious Bastards

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Longclaw_1_6](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longclaw_1_6/gifts), [alperez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alperez/gifts).



> Happy New Years Eve my pretties, a short AU I wrote about a certain movie. I can quote it from back to front and decided to write it for Johnny boy over here.

**Winterfell**

Inside the merry gates of Winterfell a feast was ongoing; King Robert Baratheon had arrived with the offer of making his friend and brother in all but name an offer that Eddard Stark could not refuse even if he himself enjoyed the simple life in Winterfell.

The offer of hand was one that did not please Lady Catelyn as she wanted her husband to stay in Winterfell so that they may continue to raise their family. Though the offer to see her daughter Lady Sansa as future Queen was one to soften the sourness of Ned leaving.

Sansa had been beside herself with joy and cheer as she kept sharing gleeful glances with the crown prince.

Robb had remained his magnanimous self, a proper heir full of confidence despite his troubling relations to the boastful Greyjoy heir.

Wild Arya who was sent to her room after her antics caught the eye of her mother. Bran who soaked in the majesty of a large feast and smiled whenever Tommen made jests with him.

Young Rickon had already been put to bed.

Ned took all of it in at a family fulfilled, he had not dreamed of this life nor this position. This was all to be Brandon’s and yet here he stood. Earlier he had gone with Robert as they stood in front of his sister’s statue. A prayer and a rose to honor her.

But Ned felt not much honor in that regard, her baby boy she had given birth to, and a trueborn that indicated that their fight against the babe’s true father was a false war. He had taken the boy as his own and told not a soul. Not even his Lady wife.

A mistake perhaps because the boy was gifted with a blade and when he was ten name days, he remembered Edmure Tully arriving for Bran’s second name day and the man had goaded Jon and the boy had struck a Lord.

Of course Ned had not learned the full truth, Edmure had lied of course and so had Catelyn. Robb had been embarrassed to have lost a spar and only spoke the truth two years after Jon had been sent to the Wall.

He hadn’t wanted to send Jon to the Wall at such a young age but the boy was gifted and there were too many prying eyes, he feared the truth outing and tasked Benjen with watching and keeping him safe. But his brother did not keep to that task as Jon disappeared whilst his brother was ranging.

The coil of guilt was a noose in his pit as he imagined his sister heartbroken at the fate of her son. Though Ned could do nothing for it as he moved on and celebrated with Robert. The North was at peace now.

Eddard was a fool to think that.

He was confusing peace with quiet.

And the North had been eerily silent, too silent. Mummer ravens here and there to keep up the façade from each keep.

They did not know of a boy who had been taken from his uncle’s home and had to swear his vows on a heart tree even though he knew not of the choice he was making, in the heart tree he was shown the truth of his birth and the war that slaughtered his kin and how his Northern kin had been a part of it and reaped the benefits of it.

The boy was born to be a king at the behest of his brother’s demise and yet he was raised as a bastard. Bitterness and rage was all he felt when he absconded from the trees but he kept his silence. It’s only when his uncle went on a scouting mission did the boy wander off. Following the voice that had told him the truth.

A bastard of his blood that sat in a tree had told him of an angered King of Winter, formed of ice and necromancy. Whose anger was with a treaty broken, Free-Folk purged in his land and should the disrespect continue then another war of the dawn would break out.

So the boy sought out the Wildlings, became a part of them, proved himself as one of them and even met this Night King to beg for forgiveness.

The King made of ice had almost taken the life of the then fifteen year old boy. But he had looked into the boy’s heart and saw the rage and bitterness and granted him the treaty. And with that it had taken years before he assembled all of the Wildlings.

Now as King they had slaughtered in silence from the Wall as he took Lord Commander Mormont and his sword to Karhold as he took all the Karstark’s in their wake leaving only Alys alive.

Today they stood hidden in the trees, one hundred thousand in force. Giants and mammoths not far behind as to expose their cover.

All were clear on the mission but the Wildling King moved forward to the assembled Boltons that he had spared as they would be needed for what was to come at the feast. The Dreadfort had been an easy keep to take with the bastard son Ramsay killing his father and surrendering the keep. The fool hadn’t managed to take out his brother and found a blade in his neck but by then they had taken the keep with no muss.

But now he stared at them as they were unfamiliar with his brand of warfare and his boots squelched the soil in the Wolfswood.

The Bolton men who would be in the keep looked at him with reverence and fear as he paced by each of them. He then turned to his trusted few, Daemon, Grenn, Ed and Pyp. Friends who had been forced to join the Watch but ones he freed. Bastards like him.

They had been effective

‘My name is King Jon Targaryen and I am putting together a special team and I need you few northern soldiers. Northern soldiers of a powerful army. Now as our scouts reported the stag and my usurper uncle are bound for a feast this evening, and some of you will be dining with them during that feast’ Jon remarked as he started walking by each of them.

‘You’re going to be dropped into Winterfell dressed as Northern civilians and once we’re in enemy territory as a bushwhacking guerrilla army, we’re going to be doing one thing and one thing only, _killing Lannisters.’_

He let out a small grin at the prospect.

‘Now I don’t know about the lot of you but I sure didn’t climb my way through that thousand foot wall, having to deal with the Night King and slaughter my way through most of the North and putting a blade in my fucking Lord Commander to teach the Lannisters lessons in humanity’ he said with disgust.

Remembering Uncle Benjen and Uncle Aemon telling him to offer mercy, something he scoffed at.

‘Lannisters aint got no humanity, they’re the foot soldiers of that old mass murdering maniac with golden hair that ordered the deaths of my brother and sister and countless innocence. The people in that keep were liable so they need to be destroyed’ he stated.

He saw the eagerness in his men to see justice done for him. The Free-Folk all but worshipped him for keeping death away from their grip even more so for getting the opportunity to wet their blades with Northern blood.

‘That’s why anyone with the sigil of the lion or stag, well, they’re going to die. All except the Starks, leave them be, cursed is the kinslayer and I shall not be one.’

‘Now I am the descendant of Bran the builder and Aegon the Conqueror. This means I have the blood of kings who slaughtered any and everything that stood in their paths for conquests. And our battle plan will be that of my ancestors’

His grey eyes went as cold as the night, almost black with vengeance. His voice went as deep as the lake.

‘We will be cruel to the usurper and his men and through our cruelty they will know who we are and they will find the evidence of our cruelty. By the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured brothers we leave behind us and Tywin Lannister won’t be able to help himself but to imagine the cruelty his kin endured at our hands and our boot heels and the edge of our knives.’

His voice was raspy now.

‘And the Lannisters will be sickened by us and the Lannisters will talk about us and the Lannisters will fear us’ Jon stated.

He could see Tormund standing in the corner with his axe sharpened and a large grin on his face.

‘When the Lannisters close their eyes at night and their tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they will be tortured with. SOUND GOOD?’

His men let out a cry that made him smirk as he held Longclaw.

‘That’s what I like to hear’ he said as he turned back.

‘But I have a word of warning for those who have sought to join my army and my liberation. I ask nothing of you aside from your fealty but one thing and one thing only. The blood of my enemies.’

So as the halls celebrated with joy and Queen Cersei scowled at her fat husband groping the help, they could not see the men and women that infiltrated the keep.

It was only when Sansa Stark screamed did the hall go quiet and Ned turned to see that his daughter who had been watching Joffery throughout the evening had seen one of the serving maids put a knife in his eye. The maid was red of hair like Sansa but there was wildness in her eyes. Ygritte let out a grin as the guards darted towards her.

Those guards were met with arrows and Ygritte was nimble enough to dodge their strikes.

The doors to the hall were barred as those who should be servants were removing knives and stabbing every guard in sight.

Ser Barristan had escorted Myrcella to the privy.

They were handling the guards with ease, only Sandor Clegane and Jaimie Lannister were faring well against them. That was before an arrow lodged into Clegane and the man fell to the ground.

Ned Stark gathered his daughter who had run towards Robb and Theon, the two young men had left their blades behind as this was a feast. So had most of the men.

Robert looked around the room fuming and flipped a table, his war instincts kicking in as soon as he saw arrows flying about the room from a marksmen.

Val and Pyp were quite dangerous with a bow as they stood on the upper rampant of the hall taking out any swordsmen that posed a threat.

Shouts from the guards to protect the King were pitiful as each arrow found its way into their throats the moment they shouted their commands.

Jaimie had no idea what was happening but he was determined to protect the one thing he cared about, his love, Cersei. Jaimie grabbed her and they could have snuck their way out had his sister not let out a blood curdling scream.

He tried to hush her but he saw the horrifying image of Tommen with blood trickling from his throat as the blade was dislodged in his neck.

The Thenn grinned in satisfaction, they had no qualms over children or women and perhaps that’s why the King did not favor them in his pecking order.

Cersei rushed forward to her son before Jaimie could grab her but an arrow found her heart, Jaimie saw red as his other half was taken from him and he let out a scream as he saw the blonde that stood on the rampant.

He charged for Val but felt a knife in his thigh and a venomous heat piercing his skin as pain enveloped his body.

Grenn turned from behind him.

‘Relax darling it’s just a flesh wound. Your death will come soon enough’ he said.

Blood splattered the halls, with the Stark family watching in horror. Robert wanted to bust out like a bull and charge at them but when he tried to move he slipped on a piece of butter that lay on the floor and bumped his head on the table.

So Robert stood by and watched.

All that was left in the hall was Ned Stark who stood in front of his family as a shield. The Lord of Winterfell kept pushing Robb back as he could tell that his son wanted nothing more than to fight his way out.

Catelyn and Sansa quivered behind him, Theon stood in front of them wondering what on earth was happening.

The doors burst open with Wildlings pouring in; Ned knew that’s what they were. How they were here was the mystery to him.

Jaimie lay in the middle of the hall bleeding as he looked at Cersei’s lifeless form.

The Wildlings made a formation as they stood to make way for their leader. Footsteps echoed in the hall the sounding like a slow drum in the aftermath after the visceral screams that pierced the room earlier.

A figure cloaked in all black except for the red dragon on his cloak walked in.

Ned’s eyes widened as he recognized what used to be his boy now turned man.

A giant white wolf moved from behind him as Jon took in the hall.

‘Jon?’ he said in utter shock.

The whole Stark clan was surprised, shocked and perplexed. Catelyn was the same but fear was evident, she had nightmares that this day would occur that the bastard would take Winterfell from her children.

‘Good evening, I would like a word’ Jon said as he walked towards Jaimie Lannister who was gushing out blood in his leg. The Kingslayer sweating profusely.

‘Jon what are you doing?’ Ned asked as he finally found his words.

No son of his could ever commit such a debauchery.

Jon regarded him with no emotion plane on his face.

‘Well it appears I have interrupted a feast to celebrate a king’ Jon then chuckled. ‘Funny considering that I wasn’t invited.’

Jon moved towards him.

‘I mean I am the king by rights, my mother did tell you so when she gave me to you’ Jon stated.

Ned’s world felt shaky. The boy knew the truth.

Jon just smirked.

‘As the trueborn son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, the throne is mine by right as are all the kingdoms, well after I take them back of course’ he stated.

Catelyn glared at him.

‘What is he talking about Ned?’ Cat asked him.

He couldn’t face her.

‘You saying you never told her Uncle?’ Jon questioned.

He could hear frightened gasps from his family.

The truth he had kept buried for so long. Ser Jaimie had a look of shock at the revelation.

Before more questions could be asked there was a loud roar from behind the table, the stag who fumed at the lies being uttered.

Robert picked up a chair and kicked the table away before charging for Jon.

‘DRAGONSPAWN!’ he shouted.

Jon just glared at him in a bored fashion.

Ghost intercepted Robert through his legs and the Baratheon found himself on the floor yet again, the chair he had charged with broken on the other side of the room.

The Free-Folk laughed as they picked the howling Robert up.

Jon slowly walked towards him.

Robert who was held back by a number of men studied him closely and his eyes widened when he saw the resemblance Jon had with his mother. His precious Lyanna, the boy in front of him tainted with the blood of that rapist who stole his beloved.

Jon had often wondered about the man that killed his father, the one who rejoiced in the deaths of his siblings.

‘I will kill you dragonspawn’ Robert muttered.

Tormund rushed to punch the fat man.

‘I have dreamt of this moment for years, the day I would meet the man who killed my father. The man who stole my family seat and my family’s throne. I imagined you to be some great beast and yet here you stand, a fat and broken man.’

He unsheathed a dagger as Tormund held Robert back.

Eddard saw his childhood friend about to get put to the slaughter.

‘Jon wait…’

But Jon ignored him.

‘For decades you sat in my father’s seat, ran his kingdoms and yet you could never recover could you. Acquired the most power a man could have but you could never crawl from underneath his shadow’ he plunged the dagger through his belly.

Robert squealed as Jon grabbed Tormund’s axe and lopped off his head.

The whimpers the Starks let out died down.

A group of people came in.

There was a bloodied knight with the cloak of the Kingsguard. A girl with golden hair and then his little sister Arya.

She had grown so much from the little toddler she had once been.

‘We found the knight trying to run away with both girls, would have cut him down but your blind uncle told us to leave him be.’

The knight stared at him with tears in his eyes.

‘And who exactly is this?’ Jon questioned.

Ser Barristan went on his knees.

‘A knight who disgraced your family by serving Robert and wishes for atonement’ Ser Barristan uttered. ‘I am Ser Barristan.’

Jon studied the knight with nary an emotion on his face.

‘I shall spare you but on one condition, I have a mission for you across the narrow sea. I need you to bring my kin to me’ he said.

The knight nodded before looking at Myrcella.

‘What of the girl? She is innocent your grace?’ Barristan questioned.

The cold hearted king with a soul as black as his cloak regarded the girl.

‘We shall leave her be for now but slaughter any male Lannister you find and then send an envoy to the Rock’ he said with a smile.

No one had noticed the rather large sized head that belonged to the dwarf of Casterly Rock. Jon threw the head in front of a weeping Kingslayer.

Whatever composure the man had erupted at the sight of his imp brother. With a rush of blood the knight that killed Jon’s grandfather found the end of his blade deciding that Aerys reborn stood in front of him and the Kingslayer immediately found his head lying with the rest of his family and good brother.

Jon smiled as he walked to the Stark clan who watched in horror as all they’re hosts witnessed a massacre of guests they had come to celebrate but are now guests that have been lambs to the slaughter.

‘Jon?’ Arya asked fearfully.

The hard King from the lands of always winter softened at his little sister’s tone. Years spent doting on her as a toddler and a young girl not forgotten.

‘I am sorry you had to witness that entire massacre little wolf but the worst is over’ he said as he took her in his arms.

He then turned to his mother’s kin and his face turned to stone, edgy and hard as he regarded Ned Stark.

‘Most of your bannermen are dead; those that remained are the ones who chose fealty to me. For the love I bore Arya, I shall not kill you or your kin just as long as you remember that from this day forth I am your king. I was your bastard for many a year, no more. _Now you’re my bastards_.’

Tywin had been more predictable than Jon ever imagined, riding into the Riverlands en masse like a vengeful fool. The benefit of leading an army of bush dwellers was that they hid in plain sight and Tywin had not known how to throw his might and targeted the area giants had been sighted.

Their domain.

Now as he stood by Harrenhall with bloodied Lannister corpses and the few survivors, he smiled as he looked at Kevan Lannister who remained disheveled and drawn out. His brother Gerion had been food for the mountain men and Kevan knelt down looking haunted.

‘Now Kevan we’ve all but embarrassed your brother, he fell for our traps like a mouse following cheese. I know he is somewhere around here maybe in this keep. So just tell me where he is and we will call it a day’ he said.

He gestured to the defiled and dismembered Clegane.

‘You don’t want to end up like Gregor over here’ he said.

‘I respectfully decline your offer of mercy’ Kevan replied with his head held high.

That was when a growl started being heard; only it wasn’t Ghost but the growl of a large bloke. The sound was accompanied by the sound of large club being smashed against another

‘You hear that?’ he pointed to the cave.

Kevan nodded.

‘Yes’ Kevan responded.

Jon smiled as the club made another noise.

‘That’s Tormund the “Bearfucker” but you may know him as Giantsbane’ he growled in a deep voice.

‘And if you heard of us Bastards in the Riverlands, then you must have heard about Giantsbane?’ he added.

Kevan muttered simply.

‘I’ve heard of the Giantsbane’ Kevan replied with a semblance of calmness.

‘What did you hear?’ Jon asked.

‘He defeated The Mountain in combat and took him to the giants and they defiled him’ Kevan stated in disgust.

Jon grinned.

‘That’s right Giantsbane impales your legs before letting the giants take turns on you. The sight is deplorable. Like men trying to fuck a hamster’ Jon replied.

The Wildling King pulled out a map and then lay it on the rock.

‘Now if you don’t point here on this map where your brother is then you my lord will be gangbanged to death.’

Kevan kept his face straight.

‘Do your worst bastard’ Kevan spat on the ground. The Free-Folk laughed at his courage.

‘Loyalty, I admire that’ Jon stated in fake sympathy before rolling the map.

‘Tormund!’ Jon shouted.

‘Aye’ Giantsbane responded.

‘We got some pootang for Wun Wun and his friends.’

What happened next was a deplorable sight as Kevan was impaled and dragged to the giants.

That left the other prisoners petrified.

Particularly Lancel who just witnessed his father be sent off to the worst death one could imagine. The boy spluttered all the details in quick form.

‘We’re going to allow you to go back to the Westerlands but when you report what happened, you can’t tell them you told us what you told us they would hang you’ the king stated. ‘But they will want to know why you so special that we let you live.’

‘So tell them we let you live so you could spread the word what happens to any and every Lannister we find. Those who are aligned with them. Sound good?’ Jon asked a quivering Lancel.

Lancel nodded vehemently.

Jon then stood up as did his men and cast one last look to a kneeling Lancel.

‘After you survive this war and I take my throne. What are you going to do?’ he asked Lancel.

‘I am going to hug my mother tightly like I have never hugged her before’ Lancel stated near tears.

Jon smiled.

‘Aint that nice’ he commented with a smile. ‘Are you going to take off your uniform?’

Lancel nodded yet again.

‘Not only shall I remove my armor, I shall burn it’ Lancel replied.

Jon briefly touched the dagger in it’s sheathe

‘Yeah I suspected as much but we don’t like that. See we like Lannisters in their uniform that way you can spot them’ he snapped his fingers. ‘Just like that but you take off your armor and burn your sigil then nobody will know you served the enemy of your king’

‘And that don’t sit well with me. So I’m going to give something you can’t take off’ Jon stated as he pulled out his knife and began carving.

The kingdoms had been taken. The Riverlands had been set on fire by the Wildlings and their guerrilla warfare tactics had won them the war.

Jon now sat on his Iron Throne as many came to pledge fealty.

Ser Barristan had arrived with his family from across the narrow sea and House Targaryen looked to be back in the seat they belonged.

Currently he stood with Oberyn, a Dornish envoy who had come to get the measure of him and was mostly pleased when he heard the actions that Jon had gone to and the vile deaths he had heaped upon Tywin and his men.

Taking the city had been no easy task with Stannis having decided to push his claim and take the city. But the man had been defeated thanks to the betrayal of Lord Janos Slynt of the City Watch, who only wanted to be repaid now that Jon was on the throne.

But a reward he wouldn’t be getting.

As he and Oberyn entered his tavern and the whores were escorted out.

‘What is the meaning of this your grace? I made a deal with your generals’ Janos stated in a startled tone.

Jon twirled his blade.

‘Yeah they made that deal but they don’t really give a fuck, they’d say anything to win a battle. You should know better than to trust bastards’ he said with a shrug

‘My friends in court won’t stand for this’ Janos stated.

Jon sniffed.

‘I don’t want them to stand. I want them to kneel’ he said as Oberyn went on to tie up the man with a pleased smirk.

Janos was now silent.

‘But I heard that deal you made with Ed and I have to admit it was a good deal. Made us take Stannis in the night. And honestly I would make that deal; how about you Prince Oberyn would you have taken that deal?’ Jon asked Oberyn.

Oberyn stood beside him.

‘I would definitely take that deal your grace’ Oberyn responded.

‘I don’t blame you. Bloody good deal that was’ he stated. ‘And that castle you want me to grant you, well I suppose that’s worth certain considerations.’

‘But I do have one question, when I grant you your seat on Rosby Road. You will take off that handsome cloak custom made by your former queen. Sucking from the Lannister teat. You will remove it won’t you?’ he asked.

Fear was evident in Janos eyes as he had heard what the Wildling King had done to the many that reaped from the Lannisters. With Littlefinger, Varys and them all bearing a lion sigil on their foreheads.

Silence was Jon’s answer.

‘That’s what I thought’ Jon replied. ‘Now that deal I can’t abide. How about you Oberyn can you abide it?’ he questioned.

Oberyn shook his head in a gleeful manner.

‘Not at all your grace’ Oberyn replied.

Jon leaned forward towards Janos.

‘I mean if I had it my way then you would wear that cloak for the rest of your cock-pecking sucking life but I am aware that aint practical and at some point you’re going to have to take it off’ Jon then went to pull out the knife.

‘So I’m going to give you something you can’t take off’ he said with a smile.

Janos screams could be heard from here to Dorne as the knife was plunged in his forehead.

Jon and Oberyn both leaned down looking at a Janos who fainted as they admired the lion carved on his forehead.

‘You know something Oberyn, I think this might just be my masterpiece’ Jon remarked with a smile.


End file.
